another five hundred . . .

The Author's invitation to read from his own collected poems

at the Truculent Polecat gastro-pub during the Edinburgh Festival 

is abruptly withdrawn again this year when fantastically funny TV

 celebrity, comic and star of the smash hit game show"You Gotta Laff'

Travis Smelter (above) is persuaded by the pub's landlord to read 

from his best-selling sequel to 'Five Hundred Favourite Fart Jokes"

and he spent weeks making that costume . . .

The police were called to a 'suspected hostage situation'

when veteran performance poet Derwent Fiddler caused

panic at the Edinburgh Festival by attempting to involve

young members of the audience in his 'Monty the Cannibal Mouse'

event.  "If it's not Harry bloody Potter they're not interested!" 

he grumbled as he was separated from the screaming infant. 

He plans to retire before his next birthday . . .

The Author is introduced to Eric Duncan-Macaroon the latest

twelve-year-old enfant terrible of modern English fiction

 and author of the best-selling autobiography 'The Early Years -

Confessions of a Troubled Twelve-Year-Old' soon to be made into

an award-winning BBC mini-series about a troubled twelve-year-old

and his struggle to write his own life story.

He don't sweat the small stuff . . .

Milton Carnaby, the Sixties fashion guru who introduced

the idea of wearing your shirt back-to-front with the collar 

turned up, appeared on the BBC Book Programme to promote

his autobiography 'Rag Trade to Riches' and was accused of using

a ghost-writer to compile his memoirs.  Carnaby merely shrugged 

and said "What am I, bleedin' Einstein?  I never learned to read

nor write - I was too busy making money!"

George was in the laundry basket . . .

Inspired by popular psychic biographer Agatha Blunt who wrote 

her intimate story of Michael Jackson while sitting at home in a trance

Lucy Pickles (pictured left with her best friend Maude) claims that
while she was sick in bed with the measles, John Lennon haunted her 

wardrobe "He asked me to write his true life story.  It was awesome.  

He said we had to love one another and stuff!" she said. "He said 

I should give peace a chance and stuff.  It's all in my book!" 

 She is currently seeking a publisher.

the critics were divided . . .

The first mixed-gender bigamist Charlie Potts (front row left)

failed in his attempt to persuade the Author to ghost-write his life story

when Charlie, seen here in happier times with wives Sandra, Gertie, 

Pauline and Frank, was taken into custody shortly before the Author 

could talk to him.  Immediately after the arrest Frank ran away with

Gertie and Pauline tried to sell her kiss-and-tell confession about an 

affair with Sandra to the Daily Mail.  Charlie later announced he would

tackle his own life story in the prison creative writing class. 

words finally failed him

Notorious literary bad boy Julian Sphincter, celebrated for his
dystopian novels attacking everything, fails to find a publisher
for his latest book and contents himself with standing
in the street near the Grouchers Club in London's Soho
shouting abuse and spitting at people. When the police arrest
 him for disturbing the peace, The Times Literary Supplement
quickly rush to his defence, describing his action as
"an extraordinary triumph of virtual fiction writing"
and "a modern masterpiece of minimalist conceptualism"