The Author meets the poet Archie Kensington posing with the dog

 that ate Kensington's half-completed manuscript of his epic poem 

on the Romance & Laughter of the Royal Wedding.

The dog was sick.

Piers Pomphrey and Tamsin Hunter Wedgie-Macdonald

decline an invitation to publish the Author's new novel 

but extend an invitation to visit them at their luxury converted

Victorian slaughter house and printing press in the picturesque 

Essex countryside to share a special weekend 

of "Tantric Tarot Readings" and "Communal Oiled Massage" 

The Author mistakes a complete stranger

for the lady-boy poet Gary Chutney

and narrowly escapes arrest after trying
to knock off their wig

The Author waits impatiently for influential editor

Mavis Galore to finish reading his new work -

only to have the manuscript returned covered in drool

The Author is introduced to Martin Adenoid

the new twelve-year-old enfant terrible of English fiction

and author of the best-selling autobiography

"It's All About Me" 

soon to be made into an award-winning BBC mini-series

A picnic group taking photographs of the Author, 

having mistaken him for "someone famous off the telly"

When challenged they fail to remember the name

of this favourite celebrity and accuse the Author

of "being snooty" as they throw stones at him

The Author fails to generate excitement

at his Kilburn Literary Festival appearance:
the audience already sedated by Fanny Drone
having delivered an hour of amusing anecdotes
on her career writing romantic Light Verse
for the greetings card industry