Despite some last-minute pleading, Tiffany

Hartebeeste, the Oprah Winfrey of BBC Regional TV

 refuses to recommend the Author's last novel on her hugely

popular Afternoon Book Club after the battling blonde

is told of some "off-colour" passages in his writing.

"There's no need for language in books!" she grumbles.

Far out on the Edinburgh Fringe the Author 

encounters a lively late-night performance by

 the Toilet Bowls, potty-mouthed Cambridge graduates,

Charlie Chad-Valley and Melissa Sunbeam, delivering 

quick-fire lavatory humour to an unsuspecting audience

in the street.  "I nearly pooped myself!" Guardian Arts Page

Meanwhile, at the Edinburgh Festival, the Author narrowly avoids

the work of Benny and Lenny, leaders of the "Flash Mob Buskers" 

as they tweet three hundred buskers to leap from nowhere, surround

startled onlookers and menace them with "Songs from the Shows"

The Author's invitation to read from his own collected poems

at the Truculent Polecat gastro-pub during the Edinburgh Festival

is abruptly withdrawn when fantastically funny TV comic and star

of the smash hit "You Gotta Laff"  Travis Smelter (above) is persuaded

by the pub's landlord to read from his recently published book:

"Five Hundred Favourite Fart Jokes"

The Author is invited to meet the five-year-old celebrity author,

singer, songwriter, tap dancer, UN goodwill ambassador, fund-raiser 

and Olympic-hopeful, Britney Woggle.  Her Booker Prize nominated

first novel "Woggle World" has been the biggest sensation since the

twelve-year-old giant of English fiction Martin Adenoid had his own

best-selling autobiography turned into a BBC mini-series. 

 Over malted milk and biscuits Britney told the Author she thought 

he was "wonderful for his age!"

During the recent riots and looting in London romantic novelist

Winifred Badger is caught trying to break into a local branch 

of WH Smith to plant twenty copies of her own recently published

autobiography "Fragrant Memories" on the shelves.  

She was arrested and charged with littering.

After rumours that the Author had been considering ghost-writing

the life story of popular ventriloquist Bertie Bloater he's approached 

by Tudor Warner and his Educated Budgerigars to help write

Warner's hilarious blockbusting memoirs "Whistle for Your Work:

 A Life of Bird Impersonations for Stage and Screen" 

Nothing was signed.