plus no more carpet burns

Doris Potter - prolific co-authoress of hard-core 'Erotica for Seniors'

from the Silk Panties Large Print Library takes delivery of the first

 samples from her signature underwear collection 'Flirty in Flannelette'

 to try on her husband Dennis (pictured right)  "It's pretty but practical,"

 she told the Author.  "It lets you fiddle with your privates

 AND still helps keep your kidneys warm!"

he spent his advance on that jacket

Bernie Murdoch's lifelong ambition to write about his mad-cap

 adventures as he drove across five continents picking up colourful

hitchhikers in his Austin Mini was finally abandoned when he ran out

of petrol on the A337 just beyond the village of Nutwood and he had

 to walk the four miles home.  "It's the cost of living!" he grumbled.

she suffered from stage fright . . .

Romantic novelist Winifred Badger is taken to hospital after leaping

from the stage in a failed attempt at crowd surfing during last week's

annual Heart Throb Library Awards

and she came apart at the seams

Famous children's author, housewife and mother, Cheri Bloomer, 

attempts a book signing of her latest Derek the Dinosaur adventure 

at Waterstones wearing a home-made dinosaur costume, but the sight 

of her stumbling from the Ladies Toilet so terrifies the assembled 

toddlers that they panic, stampeding through the bookstore 

and triggering the sprinkler system.

so now he keeps the books in the garage

Astonished Eric Sponge wins the prestigious Pure Vanity Press Award 

for the first volume of his memoirs
 'Forty Years on the Cheese Counter - My Thrills and Spills as a High Street Grocer"
 (published by Pure Vanity)

"We had to sell the car and remortgage the bungalow to help cover
 the printing costs," his wife Beryl explained  after the ceremony.
"But it was certainly worth it.  He's really delighted by the award
 and plans to use the prize money as a down-payment on the next volume.

she fell at the first hurdle

The veteran French cookery writer Colette de Belbeuf is forced to go 

into hiding after her recipe book 'Cooking with Horses' is withdrawn

 from English bookshops. "I just don't understand it," she shrugged.  

"I've tried English food many times - le kebab - la barre frite de Mars -

 les batons de poisson de Capitaine Birds Eye. 

I thought they ate anything."