"and his breath came in short pants . . ."

Elsie and Doris Potter celebrate twenty years of writing hard-core

pornography for the Silk Panties Large Print Library with a cream tea

at the Grouchers Club.  "We specialise in erotica for seniors and we 

must have written hundreds of titles over the years," Elsie explains.

"Although obviously, at our age, we can't remember exactly.

Doris adds that "stories involving neck pillows and surgical stockings

have always been very popular.  And heroes with their own teeth"

Reta and Toomas Jakobson, famous Estonian health campaigners 

and co-founders of the celebrity 'Kwik-E-Kure' private clinics arrive

in London to promote the English translation of their new book

'Smoke Your Way to Health & Fitness'  

Fifteen million copies have already been sold worldwide.

After the success of TV celebrities Bert and Rachel Stokes recipe book

'Cooking with Lard' the veteran cookery writer Bessie Snookes strikes

back with the re-publication of her classic three-volume blockbuster

'Fried Food for the Growing Family'  "I've eaten fry-ups for over sixty 

years and there's nothing wrong with me!" she quipped at the launch

 party held last week at Cyril's Chippy in Camden, North London.

 "And I've survived diabetes and a triple bypass operation" 

After years of disappointment struggling as a television scriptwriter,

biographer, performance poet, erotic novelist, celebrity blogger

and political correspondent for the Daily Mail, plucky Dudley Dexter 

disappears from view and re-emerges some time later as a pub pianist

and Richard Nixon impersonator.  "I've finally learnt to cash-in on

 my good-looks" he quipped. "And I'm planning to write an opera!"

The loveable fourteen-year-old munchkin and master microblogger 

Adrian Motley-Spaniel is signing a contract to publish his life so far.

'The Complete Tweets' will be released in twenty-five mini-volumes.

"It's - um - my life - you know - in easy - fun-size - quick-read portions."

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