and the Hallmark Medal for Poetry goes to . . .

The girls from the Paddington Poetry Speed Writing Team (seen here

 with their coach Fanny Forester) raise a glass of sweet sherry 

in celebration of winning the regional heats to qualify for the finals

of the Strict Tempo Light Verse Olympic Sprint at this year's exciting

Isle of Wight Literary Festival.  "We're confident of taking the medal

- these girls can rhyme in double-quick time," declared Fanny,
a legend in the greetings card industry.

and he does his own hair and make-up

Charlie Chisel the celebrated thriller writer, athlete, adventurer,

mercenary, explorer, mountaineer, bush pilot, sharp shooter, deep sea

diver, big game hunter, columnist, wit, historian, wine expert, wrestler

TV celebrity, gourmet, cigar enthusiast and award-winning fashion

designer  (seen here at another literary luncheon) announces that he

plans in future to get "some little scribbler" to bang out his blockbusters

 since he's just too busy 'being Charlie'

he looks better in costume

A rare photograph of the world's best-selling romantic novelist

Lettice Silk-Gussett, seen here at home with her devoted companion

Cyril.  Ms Silk-Gussett has used Cyril as the inspiration for her most

hot-blooded heroes, including dashing Hector Haunch, Highwayman,

Captain Challenger and Diablo the Pirate from her Buccaneer series. 

another look at Mrs Slocombe's pussy

After the failure of veteran French cookery writer Colette de Belbeuf

to publish her classic recipe book 'Cooking with Horses' in Britain, 

she's soon encouraged to try again with her beautifully  illustrated 

'Cooking with Cats - favourite recipes from South-East China'

Colette was confident of success. "In England they are crazy for pussy"

she announced.  "She is everywhere cheap and plentiful."

he considered doing the organisers

A suggestion that the Author might read his work at the Art Council's

Bonanza Book Bash on the Beach is rejected by this year's organisers

(above) on the grounds that he isn't a celebrity criminal, footballer or

tennis star, has never presented a recipe/gardening/decorating show

or featured in an episode of Dr Who.  "It's no good just scribbling!" 

they laughed at him.  "You need to have actually done something
 before we'll consider your application."

he really should have worn a vest

A literary lunch to celebrate the life and work of veteran love poet

Dudley Cardigan ends in uproar when - during a reading of his erotic

verse cycle 'Fiddlers Elbow' - excited admirers attempt to remove 

his shirt and shoes to take home as souvenirs.  This was the first time 

Dudley had been seen in public since the notorious incident during 

one of his public readings when a woman in the audience threw her

knickers at the stage, surprising the elderly poet who lost his balance

and tumbled into the orchestra pit.

but they cancelled the honeymoon

Moustachioed novelist and veteran campaigner against female 

stereotypes Muriel Gaylord (right) denies that her three-day marriage

to lady-boy poet Gary Chutney (left) was merely a publicity stunt.

"We wanted to draw attention to the ugly face of discrimination at work

in this country," she said in an interview for the Guardian newspaper,

using the occasion to announce their intentions of turning Gary's epic

love poem 'Fifty Shades of Gay - Bum Slapping, Bondage & Binge 

Eating' into a BBC TV game show later this year.