Meet Nancy Fields from Newcastle, the proud winner of the BBC 

'Writing Stuff for the Telly' Competition.  Although her work will not

be broadcast by the BBC - who will only commission celebrity-driven

reality shows in the future - Nancy will be celebrating the New Year

with an all-expenses-paid trip to London for an escorted tour of BBC

Television Centre where she hopes to get the autographs of her favourite

newscasters.  "I'm so excited!" she told the Author.  "I really admire

people who read aloud for a living!

Lady-Boy Poet Gary Chutney (seen here with constant

companion, the Marxist mime artist Joe Tungsten) announces

his intention to write an epic protest poem about the absence

of cross-dressing events at this year's London Olympics.

Chuck Bradley the author of the best-selling book 'What Went Wrong

With America: Blame All the Foreigners' prepares his family to defend

hearth and home in the likely event of invasion. "We ain't worried.

 We already secured the perimeter and we know how to make 

our own ammo" his wife warned neighbours.

The moustachioed novelist Muriel Gaylord (pictured right)

is now playing the role of Wicked Sheriff of Nottingham in the

Christmas Panto 'Babes in the Wood' at the Bertolt Brecht Variety 

Theatre, Kilburn, North London.  "I chose to play the part in full 

costume as a protest against the presentation of female stereotypes

 on the stage, such as talented young actors being forced to flaunt their

 limbs when cast as principal boys," she said, posing for pictures with 

this year's lovely, long-legged principal boy, Alyssa, (left)

who we think is someone off the telly. Probably.

After their success with the popular TV show 'Greased Lightning'

on the Afternoon Cookery Channel, the husband and wife team

Bert and Rachel 'Do you want Fries with that' Stokes have recently

published their first finger-licken' recipe book "Cooking with Lard'  

Famous children's author and TV personality Cheri Bloomer will start

the New Year with a whirlwind tour of the country to promote her latest

book 'Candy Goes Crazy' - the umpteenth title in the Candy Cane series.

She's also helping to launch a range of Candy Cane junior fashion 

wear  for a high street supermarket chain with a little help from the 

Teeny Tots Troupe of pixie dancers (illustrated) You have been warned.

The young poet Arnold Beeney collects First Prize in the annual

'Praise the Lord in All His Glory Competition' for his epic poem 

"God Knows What I've Done With My Life" in eighty-seven verses.

The prize is awarded by the Gospel League for the Advancement

of Christian Values in Literature.  Arnold plans to spend his prize

money on a trip to Bangkok where he hopes to continue his work

among the sex workers of Patpong, the notorious red light district. 

Good luck with that, Arnold.