At the book launch to promote his latest self-help manual

"How to Hypnotise Women - And Make Them Do Weird Stuff"

the popular stage entertainer Cornelius Blight delights the guests

by mesmerising several lovely volunteers and then tapping out

a tune on the teeth of one of his 'victims'

Moustachioed novelist and veteran campaigner against female

 stereotypes Muriel Gaylord, complains to the authorities when she 

finds herself disqualified from the Men's Trampoline Finals 

at this year's London Olympics. "Well, that's the ugly face

 of discrimination at work," she says and attempts to shrug  it off  by 

offering to write a twenty thousand word essay about her experience for the Guardian, who decline. 

After a brief appearance at a local school sports day the Author

is cornered by the girls' synchronised swimming team who threaten

to complain to the staff about his louche behaviour unless he buys them

ice cream.  Although innocent of all charges, he's so surprised to hear 

them employ the word 'louche' he buys them whatever they fancy.

Lady-boy poet Gary Chutney fails to impress Spender Graves (left)

and Daisy Chalk (right) the judges of this year's Poem for the London

Olympics competition, when he enters his seventy-five stanza epic

protest ballad about the absence of cross-dressing track and field 

events.  "It was filth, we nearly called the police," they said. "But we're

told there's nothing we can do - he's part of some Minority Group"

Veteran love poet Dudley Cardigan was awarded a brace of prestigious

Golden Candlesticks - presented by a couple of our favourite

'Poetry in Motion Girls' - at the Poetry Society last night, 

in recognition of his contribution to Erotic Verse. Dudley could not

 attend the ceremony and has rarely been seen in public since the 

unfortunate accident during one of his readings of 'The Fiddlers Elbow' 

when a woman in the audience threw her knickers at the stage, 

catching the elderly poet a glancing blow to the head and knocking

him into the orchestra pit (see post for Tuesday 18th October)

Veteran TV Cookery Channel celebrity Gladys Beaver - seen here

with her twin sister and motorcycle enthusiast Cynthia - this week

sets out to promote her new book of recipes and wholesome memories

'Cooking in Gloves'

 Fading romantic novelist Winifred Badger (left) announced yesterday

that she'll be seeking a new publisher for the next volume of her 

inspiring autobiography 'The Big Hair Years' after Badger's existing

 editor at Heart Throb Library failed to make an offer, complaining
that the first volume 'Fragrant Memories' failed to meet expectations
and had to be given to Ikea as window-dressing for their shelving